So the weekend was okay but I drank too much wine. I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to in phase 3 but I gained 3lbs. :( I was very disappointed as it will take me the rest of this week to MAYBE get rid of that 3 lbs I gained in 2 days! I wanted to be done and down to 200lbs this week but I might have to sit at 210 for 6 more weeks! I am just so pissed with myself and with this stupid program!
Or why am I freaking out about 3 lbs? Maybe if I would have suffered over the weekend and stuck to the plan I would have been DOWN 3 more lbs and closer to my goal? It just wasn't that great of a weekend and I feel like I missed out, I guess.
The friends that I thought were friends didn't feel like it and I didn't have fun like I was hoping and like I did last year. I felt fat, out of place, disgusting, and different. Friends aren't supposed to judge you, I know, but I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I also had mini freak outs being around people I didn't know as well as being in a crowded space. I kept getting cold sweats down my spine and a sense of panic when I didn't have room around me. I would walk out of the room and leave and I was okay. I was also okay with a few friends but as soon as more than 5 people showed up chatting, I had to leave. I didn't realize I was becoming agoraphobic but I guess that's what it is.
I have a lot more to deal with than just my weight.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Food Combining
I found this today while looking up cycling on HCG. It's very interesting on what should and should not be eaten with what. (MANY thanks to J Beanie on the HCG Forums for this!)
Food Combining
This isn't specifically related to cycling, but I'm posting here just so I know where to find it quickly.
Many people report they are having issues when adding foods back in during P3 and P4. Some attribute this to food allergies or food intolerance. While this may be the case, I also think leaving out groups of foods can lead to digestive problems. If you are having issues and have ruled out allergies or intolerance, you may want to consider food combining. Be sure to adapt the concepts to the particular phase you are in as some of the rules don't always apply to P2 or P3.
It may be helpful to print this Food Combining Chart for a quick reference. I tape mine to the inside of a cupboard so it's handy.
This is a list of the basics I compiled from MH's book as a companion to the food chart. Note there is a section on alcohol which should come in handy for those of us who enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage now and then.
The Basic Rules of Food Combining
1. Do not eat proteins and starches together. Your body requires an acid base to digest proteins and an alkaline base to digest starches. Proteins and starches combine well with green, leafy vegetables and no starchy vegetables, but they do not combine well with each other.
Acids and Alkalines neutralize each other. Proteins and starches require different digestive enzymes which function at different pH levels in the body. Pepsin digests protein in the highly acidic environment of the stomach, and starches prefer alkaline environments such as the intestines. Combining these two types of food traps them and slows down the digestive process. The undigested food causes digestive problems such as gas, bloating, constipation, and weight gain. When you eat proteins (acid) and starches (alkaline) together, everything gets neutralized and nothing gets digested.
2. Do not mix fruit with proteins, starches, or any kind of vegetable. Fruits digest so quickly that by the time they reach your stomach, they are already partially digested. If they are combined with other foods, they will rot and ferment. Only eat fruit with other fruit.
3. Melons digest faster than any other food. Therefore, you should never eat melons with any other food, including other fruits. Always eat melons on their own.
4. Do not mix acid and/or sub-acid fruits with sweet fruits at the same meal. Acid fruits, such as grapefruits, pineapple, and strawberries, can be mixed with sub-acid fruits, such as apples, grapes, and peaches, but neither of these categories can be mixed with sweet fruits, such as bananas, dates, or raisins.
5. Eat only four to six different fruits or vegetables at one meal.
6. Fats and oils combine with everything (except fruits) but should be used in limited amounts because while they won’t inhibit digestion, they will slow it down.
7. Wait the following lengths of time between meals that don’t combine:
Two hours after eating fruit.
Three hours after eating starches.
Four hours after eating proteins.
Suggested: Divide the day into three food combining segments. Fruit in the morning, a protein lunch, and a starch dinner. This gives a cleansing fruit meal first thing in the morning, an energy-packed protein lunch in the middle of the day, and the slow, steady release of energy from eating complex carbohydrates at night.
If you miscombine food, there are ways to offset the bad combination. If you eat a protein with a starch, you can eat some legumes with the starch, and it will “convert” the starch to a complete protein. Let’s say you eat chicken with rice for lunch. If you eat some beans (any kind), the chicken-rice combination will digest more easily than if you don’t eat the beans. If you eat sushi (fish with rice) which is automatically a bad combination, make sure you add miso soup. Or to help round out your miscombined meals, you can always (in a pinch) eat some peanuts after the meal to offset the bad combination. Speaking of nuts, another good tip is that if you’re going to eat a lot of nuts, make sure you eat an acid fruit with them (ex. glass of orange juice).
Alcohol guidelines: When eating starches, it is better to drink beer or grain alcohol (vodka, scotch, etc.), since they are starch-based. Ideally, you should drink wine and champagne only with fruit. Wine with fish balance each other, too.
Liquids should be consumed fifteen minutes before a meal or one hour after eating. Ideally, you should never drink anything with your meal because it dilutes the digestive juices, thereby interfering with proper digestion. But, if you have to, make sure you sip rather than gulp your drink.
Food Combining “Fix It” Chart
If you eat protein and starch during the same meal, eat some legumes.
If you eat nuts, eat an acid fruit with them.
If you still eat dairy, make sure to eat an acid fruit.
If you’ve overloaded on pasta, eat an apple the next morning.
If you’ve eaten too much sugar, eat grapes the next morning.
If you’ve eaten too much salt, eat watermelon the next morning.
The Food Combining Chart in .pdf
Food Combining
This isn't specifically related to cycling, but I'm posting here just so I know where to find it quickly.
Many people report they are having issues when adding foods back in during P3 and P4. Some attribute this to food allergies or food intolerance. While this may be the case, I also think leaving out groups of foods can lead to digestive problems. If you are having issues and have ruled out allergies or intolerance, you may want to consider food combining. Be sure to adapt the concepts to the particular phase you are in as some of the rules don't always apply to P2 or P3.
It may be helpful to print this Food Combining Chart for a quick reference. I tape mine to the inside of a cupboard so it's handy.
This is a list of the basics I compiled from MH's book as a companion to the food chart. Note there is a section on alcohol which should come in handy for those of us who enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage now and then.
The Basic Rules of Food Combining
1. Do not eat proteins and starches together. Your body requires an acid base to digest proteins and an alkaline base to digest starches. Proteins and starches combine well with green, leafy vegetables and no starchy vegetables, but they do not combine well with each other.
Acids and Alkalines neutralize each other. Proteins and starches require different digestive enzymes which function at different pH levels in the body. Pepsin digests protein in the highly acidic environment of the stomach, and starches prefer alkaline environments such as the intestines. Combining these two types of food traps them and slows down the digestive process. The undigested food causes digestive problems such as gas, bloating, constipation, and weight gain. When you eat proteins (acid) and starches (alkaline) together, everything gets neutralized and nothing gets digested.
2. Do not mix fruit with proteins, starches, or any kind of vegetable. Fruits digest so quickly that by the time they reach your stomach, they are already partially digested. If they are combined with other foods, they will rot and ferment. Only eat fruit with other fruit.
3. Melons digest faster than any other food. Therefore, you should never eat melons with any other food, including other fruits. Always eat melons on their own.
4. Do not mix acid and/or sub-acid fruits with sweet fruits at the same meal. Acid fruits, such as grapefruits, pineapple, and strawberries, can be mixed with sub-acid fruits, such as apples, grapes, and peaches, but neither of these categories can be mixed with sweet fruits, such as bananas, dates, or raisins.
5. Eat only four to six different fruits or vegetables at one meal.
6. Fats and oils combine with everything (except fruits) but should be used in limited amounts because while they won’t inhibit digestion, they will slow it down.
7. Wait the following lengths of time between meals that don’t combine:
Two hours after eating fruit.
Three hours after eating starches.
Four hours after eating proteins.
Suggested: Divide the day into three food combining segments. Fruit in the morning, a protein lunch, and a starch dinner. This gives a cleansing fruit meal first thing in the morning, an energy-packed protein lunch in the middle of the day, and the slow, steady release of energy from eating complex carbohydrates at night.
If you miscombine food, there are ways to offset the bad combination. If you eat a protein with a starch, you can eat some legumes with the starch, and it will “convert” the starch to a complete protein. Let’s say you eat chicken with rice for lunch. If you eat some beans (any kind), the chicken-rice combination will digest more easily than if you don’t eat the beans. If you eat sushi (fish with rice) which is automatically a bad combination, make sure you add miso soup. Or to help round out your miscombined meals, you can always (in a pinch) eat some peanuts after the meal to offset the bad combination. Speaking of nuts, another good tip is that if you’re going to eat a lot of nuts, make sure you eat an acid fruit with them (ex. glass of orange juice).
Alcohol guidelines: When eating starches, it is better to drink beer or grain alcohol (vodka, scotch, etc.), since they are starch-based. Ideally, you should drink wine and champagne only with fruit. Wine with fish balance each other, too.
Liquids should be consumed fifteen minutes before a meal or one hour after eating. Ideally, you should never drink anything with your meal because it dilutes the digestive juices, thereby interfering with proper digestion. But, if you have to, make sure you sip rather than gulp your drink.
Food Combining “Fix It” Chart
If you eat protein and starch during the same meal, eat some legumes.
If you eat nuts, eat an acid fruit with them.
If you still eat dairy, make sure to eat an acid fruit.
If you’ve overloaded on pasta, eat an apple the next morning.
If you’ve eaten too much sugar, eat grapes the next morning.
If you’ve eaten too much salt, eat watermelon the next morning.
The Food Combining Chart in .pdf
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Day 21 and ready to be done!
Yes, I am ready to be done with this round! I just want real food, not crap, but the low carb, high good fat and protein like salmon and eggs, and some freaking cheese!
I did drop 1 whole pound last night and I give credit to the glass of red wine I had. Okay, so it was 2ish glasses of wine. I didn't have my fruit and had some wine. It was great and I really enjoyed it, though I'm sure it dehydrated me a bit, which was probably good because I was retaining water. So it all balanced out, right?
Today I am taking no HCG and still doing low cal for 2 days to get ready for my planned interruption for this weekend. I have to remember to not go crazy because I would like to drop those last 10lbs before I get off this round next week. I doubt it will happen, but would be nice!
Some things I keep forgetting to mention that other HCGers or future HCG dieters should know that helps me:
I take a B12 vitamin every day with 1,000mcg. I was told B12 helps with the cellular restructuring within your body so I take it. I also mark it down in my food diary book when I take it.
I also take a probiotic every day to help with the food, umm, digestion and extraction. I started taking probiotics awhile ago and noticed how much different I felt and how things moved along better in my body. I recommend Culturelle brand probiotics because it has 10billion cells. You want the highest possible billions to keep your food moving. :) This, along with fiber, will keep you regular! It's very important to keep waste moving out with the weight loss.
This is the exact box I have and use.
So I'm 210lbs and still have 40lbs to go. UGH...that sucks. But down 1/4 of my weight. That's good! This is such a roller coaster ride but, so far, it's worth it.
I did drop 1 whole pound last night and I give credit to the glass of red wine I had. Okay, so it was 2ish glasses of wine. I didn't have my fruit and had some wine. It was great and I really enjoyed it, though I'm sure it dehydrated me a bit, which was probably good because I was retaining water. So it all balanced out, right?
Today I am taking no HCG and still doing low cal for 2 days to get ready for my planned interruption for this weekend. I have to remember to not go crazy because I would like to drop those last 10lbs before I get off this round next week. I doubt it will happen, but would be nice!
Some things I keep forgetting to mention that other HCGers or future HCG dieters should know that helps me:
I take a B12 vitamin every day with 1,000mcg. I was told B12 helps with the cellular restructuring within your body so I take it. I also mark it down in my food diary book when I take it.
I also take a probiotic every day to help with the food, umm, digestion and extraction. I started taking probiotics awhile ago and noticed how much different I felt and how things moved along better in my body. I recommend Culturelle brand probiotics because it has 10billion cells. You want the highest possible billions to keep your food moving. :) This, along with fiber, will keep you regular! It's very important to keep waste moving out with the weight loss.
This is the exact box I have and use.
So I'm 210lbs and still have 40lbs to go. UGH...that sucks. But down 1/4 of my weight. That's good! This is such a roller coaster ride but, so far, it's worth it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Day 20 and annoyed
I've been stalled again for 3 days. It's like I have 1lb drop then stay put for 3 days then drop .4, .2. UGH. It's annoying, frustrating and I just want to eat regular food now. After the wedding on Saturday I was fine and woke up to the 1lb drop on Sunday. But the past 2 days I'm stuck at the same weight.
I'm taking a planned interuption this weekend, though. Jumping off the HCG on Wednesday but eating VLC then and Thursday then eating P3 foods over the weekend as I'll be in Columbus at a hotel with friends. I thought about it, and there is no way I am hauling baggies of precooked food to a hotel and not going out to eat with my friends or even having a drink or two! It's a mini vacation and hopefully I won't gain over the weekend, but I'm going to jump right back on P2 on Monday for the last week. I timed it out so I can have time to do another round of HCG before my trip in September. If I even need it because I might be able to keep losing in the next couple of months without HCG.
This has been the most brutal thing I have done and I am ready for it to be done. If I was losing 1lb a day every day, I would be happy. But I'm following protocol and not seeing the results I expected. However, I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth and am happy I lost 16.4lbs in 20 days, I really had hoped to be down 20lbs by this week. I don't see me losing 4 lbs in the next 4 days, either.
I'm just frustrated and discouraged and want a REAL salad with ranch dressing and sunflower seeds! I don't even want crap. I just want a good salad!! And also red peppers, green peppers, onions, and mushrooms in a full egg omelet!
Maybe I shouldn't weight myself every day and go by every other day next round? Grr.
I'm taking a planned interuption this weekend, though. Jumping off the HCG on Wednesday but eating VLC then and Thursday then eating P3 foods over the weekend as I'll be in Columbus at a hotel with friends. I thought about it, and there is no way I am hauling baggies of precooked food to a hotel and not going out to eat with my friends or even having a drink or two! It's a mini vacation and hopefully I won't gain over the weekend, but I'm going to jump right back on P2 on Monday for the last week. I timed it out so I can have time to do another round of HCG before my trip in September. If I even need it because I might be able to keep losing in the next couple of months without HCG.
This has been the most brutal thing I have done and I am ready for it to be done. If I was losing 1lb a day every day, I would be happy. But I'm following protocol and not seeing the results I expected. However, I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth and am happy I lost 16.4lbs in 20 days, I really had hoped to be down 20lbs by this week. I don't see me losing 4 lbs in the next 4 days, either.
I'm just frustrated and discouraged and want a REAL salad with ranch dressing and sunflower seeds! I don't even want crap. I just want a good salad!! And also red peppers, green peppers, onions, and mushrooms in a full egg omelet!
Maybe I shouldn't weight myself every day and go by every other day next round? Grr.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Cocoa Crack
I'm trying this today as I will need the boost after family crap. It's in the freezer right now and I tasted it...omg it just tasted good! I can't wait to see what it's like when it's done. :) I also wanted to be able to find this recipe again instead of searching for it so I'm posting it here more for me.
Put 2T. coconut oil in a micro safe bowl (I used a Corelle cereal bowl).
Heat 30 sec. It will be a liquid.
Add 1 rounded T. cocoa
1 T. organic peanut butter or almond butter (no sugar added). Stir.
Micro 30 sec.
Add 1 dropper of liquid Stevia vanilla creme
Add 1t. stevia powder.
Stir well.
Put the bowl in the freezer. After about 30 min, insert a knife at the edge of the bowl. Crack will "crack."
Put 2T. coconut oil in a micro safe bowl (I used a Corelle cereal bowl).
Heat 30 sec. It will be a liquid.
Add 1 rounded T. cocoa
1 T. organic peanut butter or almond butter (no sugar added). Stir.
Micro 30 sec.
Add 1 dropper of liquid Stevia vanilla creme
Add 1t. stevia powder.
Stir well.
Put the bowl in the freezer. After about 30 min, insert a knife at the edge of the bowl. Crack will "crack."
Day 17 total (day 15 VLC) and I unstalled!
So I finally dropped .4 after sitting at 213.8 for the past couple of days. And it's official: I have dropped 15lbs in 15 days! WOOHOO! Let's hope I can keep this up! No hunger either and I'm finding I have to practically choke down food and my water.
I'm hoping to stop by July 7th and move on to Phase 3 only because I have a vacation planned in September and I have to be at least moved on to Phase 3 in my second round by then. There's no way I'm going on vacation and only eating 500 calories and have to prepackage everything!
I'm going to a wedding today and that's going to try to mess me up. But I've got things planned to pack my dinner and try to sneak out and eat it or not stick around for the dinner there. Something. I'll figure it out, I guess.
That sucks because I love gatherings and getting all the food and drinking for free. The even worse news is I'm going to be surrounded by family so that's going to put even more stress on me to want to eat. :( I really do not want to go but it's my baby cousin's wedding. I'm not close to her anymore since she's had 3 kids. I can't relate to any of my cousins so I'm not close to anyone. I really don't like my family very much. No matter how much I have tried in the past, no matter how nice I am on the outside, I still feel like I am an outsider. My mother told me I have to love them because they are my family, but I learned I don't have to even try. They are people who I cannot connect with; I do not have to love anyone like that.
But anyways, in the last couple of days I received my Miracle Noodles, my Braggs's Liquid Aminos and Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar, and I am waiting on my Capella Flavor Drops so I can make better coffee and smoothies. And I also stopped at GNC to get some unflavored protein powder because I don't think I'm getting enough protein. It seems I've saved a lot of money getting healthy by not buying fast food every day of the week so I thought I could splurge a little and get the things I need to stay healthy.
They taste like rice noodles when you wash them and boil them right!
I had to share this as I have been having problems getting my coffee to taste right in the last 2 weeks. I need to have 1 good tasting cup of coffee a morning and today I finally did it with lots of thanks to my new awesome Ninja blender:
1 cup of coffee, 1 dash of peppermint extract, a dash of powdered stevia, 1 tbs of milk, 1 tbs of cocoa powder, a swish with my ninja and POOF: The best tasting peppermint mocha I have ever had! Way better than Starbucks.
I can't even believe how much easier this is getting. I also found a website with low carb recipes called Linda's Low Carb Menus and I cannot wait to try some of her desserts!
Well, since my phone cannot connect to my computer, I have no pictures to share that I took. I'll just grab some random stuff from the web and toss up here.
:)
The Liquid Aminos tastes just like soy sauce and the ACV is a bit brutal but worth it! I'm going to try an ACV rinse in my hair today. We'll see how that goes!
Well, hope everyone has a great weekend and wish me luck with my family today. *gulps*
I'm hoping to stop by July 7th and move on to Phase 3 only because I have a vacation planned in September and I have to be at least moved on to Phase 3 in my second round by then. There's no way I'm going on vacation and only eating 500 calories and have to prepackage everything!
I'm going to a wedding today and that's going to try to mess me up. But I've got things planned to pack my dinner and try to sneak out and eat it or not stick around for the dinner there. Something. I'll figure it out, I guess.
That sucks because I love gatherings and getting all the food and drinking for free. The even worse news is I'm going to be surrounded by family so that's going to put even more stress on me to want to eat. :( I really do not want to go but it's my baby cousin's wedding. I'm not close to her anymore since she's had 3 kids. I can't relate to any of my cousins so I'm not close to anyone. I really don't like my family very much. No matter how much I have tried in the past, no matter how nice I am on the outside, I still feel like I am an outsider. My mother told me I have to love them because they are my family, but I learned I don't have to even try. They are people who I cannot connect with; I do not have to love anyone like that.
But anyways, in the last couple of days I received my Miracle Noodles, my Braggs's Liquid Aminos and Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar, and I am waiting on my Capella Flavor Drops so I can make better coffee and smoothies. And I also stopped at GNC to get some unflavored protein powder because I don't think I'm getting enough protein. It seems I've saved a lot of money getting healthy by not buying fast food every day of the week so I thought I could splurge a little and get the things I need to stay healthy.
I had to share this as I have been having problems getting my coffee to taste right in the last 2 weeks. I need to have 1 good tasting cup of coffee a morning and today I finally did it with lots of thanks to my new awesome Ninja blender:
1 cup of coffee, 1 dash of peppermint extract, a dash of powdered stevia, 1 tbs of milk, 1 tbs of cocoa powder, a swish with my ninja and POOF: The best tasting peppermint mocha I have ever had! Way better than Starbucks.
I can't even believe how much easier this is getting. I also found a website with low carb recipes called Linda's Low Carb Menus and I cannot wait to try some of her desserts!
Well, since my phone cannot connect to my computer, I have no pictures to share that I took. I'll just grab some random stuff from the web and toss up here.
:)
Well, hope everyone has a great weekend and wish me luck with my family today. *gulps*
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Day 14, Day 12 VLCD Stuck.
And I am stalled. Yup. Stuck at pretty much the same weight for 3 days, give or take .2 lbs. I knew it was coming when I stopped running to the bathroom every half hour like I did the first week but I can say my dosage is finally right because I am no longer hungry. After dinner last night of just ground beef and lettuce I was SO full. And there really wasn't much to it. I know it's working, but I'm stalled which means my measurements should show a loss tomorrow but not the scale. I was going to have another hard boiled egg yesterday if I needed it, but honestly didn't want it. I was able to clean stalls without much problem, too. It's a bit depressing as I would really love to see the scale keep dropping significantly every day, but I'll be patient.
I had a dream last night I was at my old house in Columbus visiting my parents and went into the kitchen cupboard and grabbed a huge chocolate chip cookie. I ate it then remembered I was on a diet and then ran upstairs to check the scale and it said I gained 20lbs! Then the scale broke and I was really upset. Pretty obvious the meaning behind that. But I've also noticed that my dreams keep having my family in them. My brother was in the last 3 dreams and I haven't spoken to him since October 2001. My other brother has been in the background of my dreams but I'm not close to him either at all, but more so since he had the kids. My folks are there, not close to my dad at all either, and my mom is trying to help me in my dreams but keeps screwing things up for me. Like telling me where the cookie is, which is pretty much how that is in real life. Not close to her anymore, either, since I can't trust she won't hurt me again.
It's all just fucked up! And I feel like my insides are purging the bad through the dreams but I can't control how my family reacts to me! They have always pushed me away and made me feel insignificant and less of a person. I can't change how I feel, even if I look at the situation differently, because when I do, all I see is how selfish my family is with themselves. They haven't been there for me. The very few times (including with the divorce) in my life when they were there, they didn't know what to do! I was left all alone, crying with my mother telling me "I don't know how to help you." And my father clamming up every time I cried because HE didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't know how I got through it. Friends, I guess. They aren't really here for me now when I need it again. As I'm not technically married again it's not a divorce I'm struggling through, but this has been far worse without the paperwork. It's like cutting the chord slowly, painfully, then reattaching it still broken. Then the process repeats all over again. It's torture and I feel like a battered woman, emotionally, not ever physically. If it was physical, it would be much worse. I keep telling myself that I left my husband for less, why do I stay here? They only answer is I have no other option because I can't afford to live on my own, I can't find more jobs because people are also broke and can't afford me, and finding another job wont pay me as much, even though I have been actively looking! I'm stuck. Stalled in life, too.
This blog is about me, my struggles including my weight. I've realized that it's not only genetics and poor food choices, but the stresses in my life that have allowed me to get this way. By being in control of one thing, I have to be in control of the others, or figure out a way to let it not effect me negatively again. I wish I made enough money to go to a shrink again. Having someone else in my corner would really help right now.
I've kept my mouth shut to all of my friends on facebook. They know something is wrong with me but only a few people have asked if I am okay. Which I said yes, or no, but no one ever pushes it or asks more questions. Like I said in a previous post, this is my last chance. The darkness will surround me and I'll have no other choice than to let it. If I can't get my weight and health figured out, and the shit in my head figured out, I have no other choice. I'm not one to give up so easily and that's what I'm doing now. But it's much worse than people can see past their own noses. Much worse.
I had a dream last night I was at my old house in Columbus visiting my parents and went into the kitchen cupboard and grabbed a huge chocolate chip cookie. I ate it then remembered I was on a diet and then ran upstairs to check the scale and it said I gained 20lbs! Then the scale broke and I was really upset. Pretty obvious the meaning behind that. But I've also noticed that my dreams keep having my family in them. My brother was in the last 3 dreams and I haven't spoken to him since October 2001. My other brother has been in the background of my dreams but I'm not close to him either at all, but more so since he had the kids. My folks are there, not close to my dad at all either, and my mom is trying to help me in my dreams but keeps screwing things up for me. Like telling me where the cookie is, which is pretty much how that is in real life. Not close to her anymore, either, since I can't trust she won't hurt me again.
It's all just fucked up! And I feel like my insides are purging the bad through the dreams but I can't control how my family reacts to me! They have always pushed me away and made me feel insignificant and less of a person. I can't change how I feel, even if I look at the situation differently, because when I do, all I see is how selfish my family is with themselves. They haven't been there for me. The very few times (including with the divorce) in my life when they were there, they didn't know what to do! I was left all alone, crying with my mother telling me "I don't know how to help you." And my father clamming up every time I cried because HE didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't know how I got through it. Friends, I guess. They aren't really here for me now when I need it again. As I'm not technically married again it's not a divorce I'm struggling through, but this has been far worse without the paperwork. It's like cutting the chord slowly, painfully, then reattaching it still broken. Then the process repeats all over again. It's torture and I feel like a battered woman, emotionally, not ever physically. If it was physical, it would be much worse. I keep telling myself that I left my husband for less, why do I stay here? They only answer is I have no other option because I can't afford to live on my own, I can't find more jobs because people are also broke and can't afford me, and finding another job wont pay me as much, even though I have been actively looking! I'm stuck. Stalled in life, too.
This blog is about me, my struggles including my weight. I've realized that it's not only genetics and poor food choices, but the stresses in my life that have allowed me to get this way. By being in control of one thing, I have to be in control of the others, or figure out a way to let it not effect me negatively again. I wish I made enough money to go to a shrink again. Having someone else in my corner would really help right now.
I've kept my mouth shut to all of my friends on facebook. They know something is wrong with me but only a few people have asked if I am okay. Which I said yes, or no, but no one ever pushes it or asks more questions. Like I said in a previous post, this is my last chance. The darkness will surround me and I'll have no other choice than to let it. If I can't get my weight and health figured out, and the shit in my head figured out, I have no other choice. I'm not one to give up so easily and that's what I'm doing now. But it's much worse than people can see past their own noses. Much worse.
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