2 All Beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese..

Big Mac. Are you craving one now?

Still on day 1 of loading.

I ordered my lunch, having thought this out a head of time with the idea that I want to say goodbye to McD's forever today. After my lunch, I don't think I'll have a problem going back!

Oh, God, even looking up pictures of the Mac makes me wanna...uuuugh.

Yes, I got a famous McDonald's Big Mac, fries, and a mocha Frappe. $7.04 total.
I have to say, my mouth started watering when I pulled up to the drive through. I'm Pavlov's dog; my food is coming. Those golden arches makes me salivate and crave and want and need and must have NOW! Man, I really feel like a dope buying into the hype.

Anyways, I drove away but started popping in the crispy, oily, and salty french fries in my mouth by the handfuls. I was driving and eating without thinking much about it until I wiped my hands on my shorts and saw how disgusting I must look right then. Salt and oil all over me and yet, I've done this a hundred times before, what's the big deal now? It made me feel gross. Not only with myself but with the very idea that I have been mentally stimulated to eat this garbage my entire life and love it! "I'm lovin' it!" is not just a slogan but a marketing manipulation technique to make me want it, love it, buy it, and eat it.

NO MORE do I want McDonald's after today. I am not lovin't it.

I contemplated my next move and tried to get the fries down as quick as possible. Maybe the mocha Frappe will help wash it down? It was cold, sweet, chocolaty, and friggen expensive for a drink! What the hell? Makes me wonder how much $ it takes to make one and the profit they are making off of me.

Pulling into a deserted local park, I found a nice shade tree and rolled down my windows. I felt ashamed and wanted to be alone. Thank God, I was because I opened my Big Mac container and tried to wrap my hands around the sandwich. Did this thing get bigger from the last time I had one? I took a bite and recognized that familiar taste immediately. Along with the tanginess in my mouth came warm memories of being at McDonald's with my mom years ago when I was a kid. Memories of my ex-husband when we first got together at age 17. And recently going through the drive-thu alone to get my "fix" during my stressful time this year, thinking, wtf? a Big Mac will make me feel better! Did it really all come down to a burger? The changes I am about to make in my life and saying good-bye to what I once had long ago in happier times with people that used to make me happy. It all seems so full circle now. Woah. Psychology and stuff.


I continued to chew and found it hard to swallow. What am I doing? I can't eat this! I had a sudden visualization of a reversed devil-me and an angel-me sitting on my shoulder.

The devil-me says, while holding a Big Mac in her hands, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"
It's hands start shaking and Big Mac crumbs fall to my shoulder. It whimpers as it's eyes get bigger watching the angel-me.

The angel-me responds while holding a gun to the devil-me's head, "Damnit, do it! EAT IT! It's GOOD FOR YOU! YOU NEED IT!!"

This is how I felt. I had to almost choke down one of my, well used to be, favorite comfort foods that I would get on special occasions. I don't want one anymore after today. I'm still burping up the sauce and pickles, still tasting it in my breath. UCK! I'm done with that. *shudders*


Pizza tonight. I don't think I can do the heavy cream. I have ice cream to finish off. Maybe heavy cream tomorrow. I think it would curdle in my stomach today. I just feel gross and want it to change.

Now that's depressing.

Day 1 on the HCG protocol with my drops, weigh in, measurements taken, took first pictures, and started loading up.

Depressed! When you see the scale for the first time in years and it's quite a bit more that what it was the last time your weighed yourself, yeah...sad, pathetic, horrific, unexpected, and nauseating! To say the very least. I'm going to have to do 2 rounds to get down to my healthy weight. :( I didn't realize how much I let myself go in the last few months, years, etc. As much as it pains me to see my numbers, at least now I have a plan of action, a time frame, and ideas to get me where I need to go.

It's time to stop crying into food over my weight and finally take control. I can do it. I have goals, a plan, and willpower to get through this. By next year at this time, all of this will be a very painful yet distant memory. It has to be! I can't keep living like this, feeling like a completely different person on the inside than what I want to be on the outside. If I fall into that hole, that very deep, dark hole, I'm not sure I'll crawl out again. It's swallowed me a few times this year. I almost didn't make it, really. I've come close a few times wondering what was valuable in my life, wondering if I even have a future, let alone one with happiness in it. It's hard going through what I've been through and no one really understands the lack of support from my family, my friends, and the boy. I've been the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life and still feel all alone now, but I've got a goal. My chin is up, my tears are dry, and I. CAN. DO. THIS! I have to try my hardest and be my stubbornest!!

And it's time to take my drops.


Oh, my weight, yeah...not proud but my starting weight is 225.4# Measurements are as follows: Waist: 46in, Bust: 47in, Hips: 45in, Rt.Arm: 15.5in, Lft.Arm: 16in, both Legs: 27in
*sigh*