Seriously? To Capacity?

Have you ever purposely tried to eat bad food in larger amounts than what you are used to? I mean, without an emotion behind it like at Thanksgiving around family, football, your Aunt's favorite dish that only comes out once a year. Or maybe for a birthday with cake, ice cream, friends and family around you. Or maybe even when you're down, depressed, upset, hating yourself. (yeah, that's when I want my bad foods.)

But eating high fat foods to your own full capacity for this diet for two days is insane. IN sane. Since food is directly connected to my emotions, I have been looking at it these past weeks as therapy. And I don't mean, like I eat cake and I feel better. In fact, just the opposite. I don't NEED cake to feel better. I want to feel better because I feel better; healthier inside with good for me foods. Not fast food, restaurant food, cakes, pies, cookies, lattes, doughnuts, pop (or soda, whatever you wanna call it!) alcohol, or deep friend snickers bars. I'm breaking the crap food habit as I did with smoking. If I can quit smoking and be disgusted by it now, then I can do this eating thing. But seriously? This part is hard for me! Eating crap foods and feeling like CRAP.

So yesterday I couldn't get heavy cream as some one suggested so I got the next best thing: Ravioli in Alfredo sauce with meatballs. Sounds good, right? Here's a picture:

It was good, yes, but after the Big Mac attack I had in the afternoon, I was spent!


This morning, I woke up, did my drops, weighed myself (225.08# down a bit from yesterday, weird) and didn't want to eat breakfast. But someone said deep fried and fatty is what I need today so I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and got 2 with a coffee and lots of creamer. A Boston cream and a Bavarian cream. One had powdered sugar all over it, which I think was the Bavarian. I opened my mouth and I had Déjà vu all over again: driving with crap falling over my shorts, legs, and black shirt. On the same road as yesterday even! Another memory pops into my head as I chewed in the deep fried and sticky outer shell of the doughnut.


My mom would bring me with her to drop my dad off at work very early in the mornings. I think sometimes I would be asleep and laying across the backseat of the car. (this was way back before car seats or at least my parents never had me in one that I can remember!) She would drop my dad off at work, a large factory in Lima, Ohio. I would sometimes wake up, hug my dad goodbye, and then go to the front passenger seat. I remember watching the sunrise many times from the front seat of the car with my mom driving. I remember that well because if she stopped suddenly, she would throw her arm in front of me like a second seat belt! Some days we would get McDonald's and some days we would go get doughnuts and head back to the house where my older brothers were either still sleeping or awake watching early morning cartoons. I would eat the long doughnut with cream in the middle and chocolate frosting on top. Those are my favorite. DD was out of them this morning. :(

Again, more good memories with my family, which is few and far between. More therapy as I licked the powdered sugar off of my fingers and looked down at the mess on my legs. More memories I shouldn't forget, but have to understand that things have changed, I have changed and I'm still changing. For the better. I can't control how my mother treats me now, but I can control how I eat. See how that works? I just have to remember that.


Anyways, for lunch I had broccoli and cheddar soup in a bread bowl from Panera because I couldn't really find anything on the menu that looked desirable after breakfast. I didn't eat the bowl and gave it to some chickens that I see in the afternoon at a customer's house. I take care of their ponies and if the rooster is out, I like to give him something to eat so he doesn't attack me. Mean effing rooster!

Then it was time to go grocery shopping for this week. I had my list!

I couldn't find melba toast but I did find the grissini bread sticks and not the ones with the olive oil, just in case! I got veal but no lobster or shrimp because it's just too expensive. I was at Giant Eagle, but there's a local grocery store I'll go to tomorrow afternoon to get better meat and grapefruits, because GE didn't have grapefruits for some reason. I also stocked up for one night only snacks for tonight. We're going to the drive-in to see Kung Fu Panda and Thor and I want to get some popcorn. Again, more memories will hit me again, I'm sure. The boy and I...well that's another story. Tonight will be a good date night and we'll have fun, I hope.

On my way home I thought about it and said, wth, I need one last burger from Wendy's since I am saying goodbye to all my fast food places. This is what I got...a double with cheese that should have come with a crane and a pickup truck to get my fat ass back home!

I can't even believe I ate it all. I didn't think I could but the soup didn't help fill me up earlier. And on top of feeling like crap after eating said giantastic burger, I cannot forget the site I saw in the Wendy's drive-thru.

2 older than me women in a minivan in front of my car. The image of the lady who stuck her hand out of her window to get the food will forever haunt me: She was so fat, her elbow and wrists had fat. That's all I needed to see!! I don't ever, ever, ever want to be that way. EVER! Did I say ever? 'Cause I meant for ever as in ever and ever!!!

So....here's to tomorrow. A new day and my first real day on the protocol. I need to re-read my diet sheet for lunch and dinner, but I think I'll be okay. I have my new food scale ready to go. I'm going to do this, the hard way, the right way, and the only way for me. I'm ready to be thin and healthy and work through my physical and mental problems to get happy again. I don't have any other choice because it's this or be unhappy. What choice do I have?