And I am stalled. Yup. Stuck at pretty much the same weight for 3 days, give or take .2 lbs. I knew it was coming when I stopped running to the bathroom every half hour like I did the first week but I can say my dosage is finally right because I am no longer hungry. After dinner last night of just ground beef and lettuce I was SO full. And there really wasn't much to it. I know it's working, but I'm stalled which means my measurements should show a loss tomorrow but not the scale. I was going to have another hard boiled egg yesterday if I needed it, but honestly didn't want it. I was able to clean stalls without much problem, too. It's a bit depressing as I would really love to see the scale keep dropping significantly every day, but I'll be patient.
I had a dream last night I was at my old house in Columbus visiting my parents and went into the kitchen cupboard and grabbed a huge chocolate chip cookie. I ate it then remembered I was on a diet and then ran upstairs to check the scale and it said I gained 20lbs! Then the scale broke and I was really upset. Pretty obvious the meaning behind that. But I've also noticed that my dreams keep having my family in them. My brother was in the last 3 dreams and I haven't spoken to him since October 2001. My other brother has been in the background of my dreams but I'm not close to him either at all, but more so since he had the kids. My folks are there, not close to my dad at all either, and my mom is trying to help me in my dreams but keeps screwing things up for me. Like telling me where the cookie is, which is pretty much how that is in real life. Not close to her anymore, either, since I can't trust she won't hurt me again.
It's all just fucked up! And I feel like my insides are purging the bad through the dreams but I can't control how my family reacts to me! They have always pushed me away and made me feel insignificant and less of a person. I can't change how I feel, even if I look at the situation differently, because when I do, all I see is how selfish my family is with themselves. They haven't been there for me. The very few times (including with the divorce) in my life when they were there, they didn't know what to do! I was left all alone, crying with my mother telling me "I don't know how to help you." And my father clamming up every time I cried because HE didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't know how I got through it. Friends, I guess. They aren't really here for me now when I need it again. As I'm not technically married again it's not a divorce I'm struggling through, but this has been far worse without the paperwork. It's like cutting the chord slowly, painfully, then reattaching it still broken. Then the process repeats all over again. It's torture and I feel like a battered woman, emotionally, not ever physically. If it was physical, it would be much worse. I keep telling myself that I left my husband for less, why do I stay here? They only answer is I have no other option because I can't afford to live on my own, I can't find more jobs because people are also broke and can't afford me, and finding another job wont pay me as much, even though I have been actively looking! I'm stuck. Stalled in life, too.
This blog is about me, my struggles including my weight. I've realized that it's not only genetics and poor food choices, but the stresses in my life that have allowed me to get this way. By being in control of one thing, I have to be in control of the others, or figure out a way to let it not effect me negatively again. I wish I made enough money to go to a shrink again. Having someone else in my corner would really help right now.
I've kept my mouth shut to all of my friends on facebook. They know something is wrong with me but only a few people have asked if I am okay. Which I said yes, or no, but no one ever pushes it or asks more questions. Like I said in a previous post, this is my last chance. The darkness will surround me and I'll have no other choice than to let it. If I can't get my weight and health figured out, and the shit in my head figured out, I have no other choice. I'm not one to give up so easily and that's what I'm doing now. But it's much worse than people can see past their own noses. Much worse.
