Day 6 But Day 4 of VLCD

I've felt better. And worse. Mostly today I've felt out of it but no headaches, no dizziness and only hungry this morning. I decided to cut the bread sticks today. If they were causing my serious hunger then I don't want them. Will only be able to tell how I feel tomorrow. I've also increased my drops to 7 drops/6 times a day instead of 6 drops. And I'm trying to hold them under my tongue for a few minutes and not eating or drinking anything for at least 15 minutes. It's all trial and error to find out what works best for my body.

Today woke up to 220.0# which was a -1.6lb loss since yesterday. I was hoping for another 2lb+ loss but I'm still getting used to this. 1lb+ a day is good, from what I've read.

Breakfast was half a grapefruit and I made my lunch of chicken and my version of salsa again. Since I'm on the go around lunch time during the week, this worked out pretty good today.

Felt satisfied after lunch but still weak and out of it until around dinner time.
For dinner I wanted soup so I cooked some onions, 3 large stalks of celery in a pan with some ACV, spices, and some beef broth until it was tender. Then I added 2 cups of beef broth and my veal chunks to make like a beef stew. I also tossed in a tiny bit of spinach just to add something else to the soup. It was tasty and I'm still full for the last 2 hours. That's finally a good sign!

I'll have an orange here in a bit for a snack and we'll see what tomorrow brings.
So far, I think this might work but I need to feel a little bit more normal to make me feel better about doing this protocol.
I really want Hostess cupcakes, and a glass of wine, and mashed potatoes, and pizza. I never want pizza, but today it sounds so freaking good! Everywhere I go, I see food I can't have. On tv, driving by restaurants, opening my fridge, in my mind, in my dreams (I had dreams about eating bacon and spitting it out just so I could have the taste in my mouth!)

I can almost taste the cupcake...uhhhhhghhhhghgh!!



But....
I have to beat this addiction and learn how to handle food not as an escape, but for nutrition, for my body, and to live better.

Day 5 and chugging along

Though I am having serious hunger pains, dizziness and foggy headed today. It's gotten better through. I know the difference between when my tummy is empty and wanting to eat something but I am battling both pains. One is physical and one is mental. This is tough but I'm pushing through!

Last night I had chicken and asparagus which was tasty and satisfying. I ate my breadstick for a snack and sat down to watch tv. Food has always been present in front of the tv, as I'm sure with most homes, but last night I didn't have a craving to stuff my face with crap while watching Game of Thrones so I have to say that's a success so far!

This morning, woke up to pee, took my drops, and checked the scale: 221.6#!! That's 2lbs in a day! :) I'm hoping for 2 more overnight as I've peed just as much today as I did yesterday. I might get excited more tomorrow morning if I see another 2 lb drop. Might. I'm still thinking this could be just a scam and I'm starving myself slowly. I was just so hungry this morning and this afternoon! No headaches, though.

For lunch I cooked veal at home, packaged it up with some cucumbers, and a breadstick in my MLP lunchbox. I also cut up an apple and ate it on my way to the barn. Also, it's a good thing I have a giant coffee mug to take green tea with me, but I found I drank it too fast and had to fill it up with water. I was just so hungry that I kept drinking! I hope that hunger feeling goes away tomorrow. Where's the feeling of "euphoria" as described in Pounds & Inches? I'm kicking myself in the ass for not drinking that cream as Linda advised on the YourHCG boards on facebook. I will remember to really, REALLY load up next time.

I had more chocolate sauce and strawberries for a snack today. I thought I'm safe if I had a 2lb drop from yesterday. It was just so good to have chocolate that it made me feel better! I was less hungry for dinner.

Just ate dinner of asparagus and white fish, tilapia with this really good seasoning I found at Aldi's today.

I almost forgot to take a picture for today but took one after a few bites into dinner.

I just ate a bit ago but my tummy says I'm hungry still. I feel a little worn down but not terrible. I could go to sleep right now. Maybe I'll just chill out on the couch for a bit? I'm kinda just tired right now.

Day 2 eating VLC

..Very Low Cal. I'm learning the lingo and abbreviations used in some of the HCG forums!

So yeah. Last night after I wrote my update I started getting a massive headache. Right behind the eyes and I thought, great, here we go! I'm guessing it's the stress on my body with the drops and the food because I woke up to...223.6#! Holy crap in a basket! That's like 4 lbs in a day!

Meh, I'm not THAT excited yet. I'll be really excited to see my measurements next Thursday. I decided to do measurements once a week to see some results but happy to see the scale drop for once. We'll see.


I had the breadstick for the snack and drank some chamomile tea with Stevia to try to get rid of my headache. I decided to take a hot bath with sea salt to help pull out some toxins and that seemed to help slightly. I just felt off and fog headed. Still kinda foggy headed, though. I guess I didn't load well. :/ Next round on my load day I am chugging that freaking heavy cream!

I went to bed and was woken up after 2 hrs sleep by the boy...a fight ensued, it was ugly, and I went back to bed with my head still pounding. I got enough sleep to wake up to the 4 lb loss and so far today no headache, but it feels like it might come on or it's about to.

I had my breakfast of an orange and coffee again and lunch was a shrimp salad with romaine lettuce and a dressing of white vinegar, lemon juice, S&P, and garlic powder. With the damn breadstick on the side.

It was okay but not as filling as yesterday's meals. It wasn't as tasty either. I got the shrimp for this week but I don't think I want to do a salad again soon. I need more substance, I think.

Also, something to note, I have had to pee about every 30 min or so today. Drinking lots of green tea and I feel like a race horse! Good thing I got tp at the store this week, but trying to conserve as I'm using more than usual.

Then I've been doing my usual research on some HCG forums and discovered what people call "Cocoa Crack" which is cocoa powder and coconut oil and other ingredients. It's not P2 protocol with the oil, but one girl swears it helps get her out of her stalls. I'll get some if needed but what I did see were cocoa powder ideas and suddenly I wanted chocolate!

I jotted one recipe down and ran to my cupboard. Good thing I have cocoa powder! I tried to make it with Stevia and just not to my tastes so I used Splenda instead. Even though Splenda's not good for you, in small moderate doses like today, it's going to be fine.

So here's what I made:
3 TBS of cocoa powder
1 TBS (ish. I went by taste) of vanilla extract
1 packet of Splenda
3.5 TBS of water
a pinch of kosher salt
Mixed all in a glass bowl

Put this in the microwave on high for about 20-25 secs until it started bubbling. Then pulled it out and stirred until smooth.

HOLY YUM, Batman! I was like, I can have this? For Reals???
So for my fruit snack, I dipped my strawberries...nay, let them BATHE in the chocolate sauce and devoured each piece of fruit with ravenous delight! Yes, finally, I can get down with this! Though, I will not use it every day, it really made me feel much better today. I hope I still get the dramatic loss tomorrow. *crosses fingers* I can still taste the chocolate on my lips. Mmmm I will be keeping this recipe close!

Tonight will be chicken and asparagus which is already marinating in ACV (apple cider vinegar) with cumin and the usual S&P. I miss my EVOO and butter to cook stuff in. I'm looking forward to P3 so I can basically do the Atkins thing again. I am also craving mashed cauliflower which is like mashed potatoes but just as good.

I also realized today that I'm a bit hungry, but it's been more mental hunger than anything. I've caught myself in my head a few times going, Oh, I want Taco Bell. And I could just go into the fridge and eat some eggs and cheese, no big deal.
But it is a big deal! These thoughts feel just like the same thoughts I had when I kicked the smoking habit! The exact same! I would be in a situation like getting into my car and think, Oh, I need to light one up while a drive. It's the same nagging and pulling in my head like smoking. It's the food addiction, I know it. I talked to the boy about this and he said I would always complain I was "hungry" as soon as I got into the car. It makes a lot of sense. So I figured if I can kick the smoking habit, I can kick the food habit. It takes one solid week to get over the cravings then one more week to push the thoughts out of my head completely. I can do that, again. I know what to expect this time.

Maybe this is why people complain about being hungry all the time? Is it physical or is it mental? A lot of people complain in the first week. I would have to say, from my experience, this has got to be mental as you are kicking the food habit.


Have to run off to the bathroom again. Wow, I can't even type a little without getting up to go pee! I wonder what this week will be like?

Day 1; The real deal

Woke up, checked the scale, and woah. 227.4# That's a big increase overnight. I'm really praying and hoping this works!

This is all about portions and what you can eat. So I had my breakfast of an orange and a cup of coffee with Stevia. (yeah, need to get used to that!) and went about portioning out my meat for the next few days. I started with the veal because I decided I'll have my veal for lunch.

I was reading through the HCG Dieter's Cookbook by Tammy Skye and she gave me loads of ideas on how I can season and prepare my meals in phase 2. I'm no stranger to spices an whatnot so I went ahead and created marinades for my veals. Today was Mexican flavor and I added some sea salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper, cumin, paprika, chopped fresh cilantro, and white vinegar to the veal in the baggie. Shook it up and put it away for a bit in the fridge. I also made one with curry powder and the usual spices and one with cajun seasoning (no sugar in that, yay!) I added vinegar in all of them to help keep them preserved and makes the spices stick.

I then got to work on my vegetable, (though it's technically a fruit, back in the '50's I think it was considered a vegetable). Anyways, I made an adaptation to my usual homemade thick, and chunky salsa using one tomato, a tiny bit of yellow onion chopped small, some cilantro chopped, salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder, little bit of red pepper, vinegar, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a tiny bit of Stevia to make it sweet.

The finished product? My lunch with the breadstick, was not bad. Not bad at all! Very full of flavor. I was actually starting to shake a little bit when the veal was cooking anticipating my food. I'm pretty sure I'm hypoglycemic but not severely and I think it could be the physical workings going on in my body but I'll adjust. The shaking went away after I was near the end of my lunch, which was very filling, surprisingly.

I might have made too much salsa, but it was one tomato. Adjusting to smaller protein portions is bizare, but I think it's going to be okay.

I drank a ton of green tea and have been running to the bathroom every few hours to pee. This is a good thing and I know I'm flushing out the fat and bad stuff in my system.

I started portioning out my dinner of chicken and made it cajun style the same way as with the veal. I also got some fresh tilapia and shrimp at the store so I bagged and tagged those and put them in my meat drawer in the fridge.

These are my new best friends! They hold the 100g of meat in them perfectly!



So dinner was cajun style chicken, 5 strawberries, and half a cucumber, cut up with vinegar and salt. I made 2 portions of the cucumbers and put them in small containers earlier. I like cucumbers soaked in vinegar. They remind me of summer and something I learned from my ex-MIL. Pretty much one of the only good memories I have from her. I was beginning to get a headache while I was making my chicken and had to wonder, is it the food withdrawal of all the crap I have been eating or the actual drops kicking in?

Again, dinner was great tasting and I drank a whole glass of green tea with my meal and I am full. Like, Thanksgiving dinner full! Amazing. I felt like I couldn't eat the last few strawberries, cucumbers, and last 3 bites of my chicken. I couldn't believe it. My tummy was full and saying, no more! It's been about 40 minuets since dinner and I'm still good.

I'm saving my breadstick for a snack later if I want it. I've heard people cutting the breadsticks out completely and still doing fine, but I bought 2 boxes of the things so I am eating them!

Day 1 on the lower cal diet almost over. I wonder if it will work at weigh in tomorrow? I'm a sceptic, but this protocol is perfect for me as it's all spread out in black and white with what you can and can't do. It's easy directions. I'm all for following a routine and black and white. I am very much a yin-yang. And I think if I drop down to a healthy weight, I want another tattoo of a yin-yang. That will be one of my celebratory goals! :)

Seriously? To Capacity?

Have you ever purposely tried to eat bad food in larger amounts than what you are used to? I mean, without an emotion behind it like at Thanksgiving around family, football, your Aunt's favorite dish that only comes out once a year. Or maybe for a birthday with cake, ice cream, friends and family around you. Or maybe even when you're down, depressed, upset, hating yourself. (yeah, that's when I want my bad foods.)

But eating high fat foods to your own full capacity for this diet for two days is insane. IN sane. Since food is directly connected to my emotions, I have been looking at it these past weeks as therapy. And I don't mean, like I eat cake and I feel better. In fact, just the opposite. I don't NEED cake to feel better. I want to feel better because I feel better; healthier inside with good for me foods. Not fast food, restaurant food, cakes, pies, cookies, lattes, doughnuts, pop (or soda, whatever you wanna call it!) alcohol, or deep friend snickers bars. I'm breaking the crap food habit as I did with smoking. If I can quit smoking and be disgusted by it now, then I can do this eating thing. But seriously? This part is hard for me! Eating crap foods and feeling like CRAP.

So yesterday I couldn't get heavy cream as some one suggested so I got the next best thing: Ravioli in Alfredo sauce with meatballs. Sounds good, right? Here's a picture:

It was good, yes, but after the Big Mac attack I had in the afternoon, I was spent!


This morning, I woke up, did my drops, weighed myself (225.08# down a bit from yesterday, weird) and didn't want to eat breakfast. But someone said deep fried and fatty is what I need today so I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and got 2 with a coffee and lots of creamer. A Boston cream and a Bavarian cream. One had powdered sugar all over it, which I think was the Bavarian. I opened my mouth and I had Déjà vu all over again: driving with crap falling over my shorts, legs, and black shirt. On the same road as yesterday even! Another memory pops into my head as I chewed in the deep fried and sticky outer shell of the doughnut.


My mom would bring me with her to drop my dad off at work very early in the mornings. I think sometimes I would be asleep and laying across the backseat of the car. (this was way back before car seats or at least my parents never had me in one that I can remember!) She would drop my dad off at work, a large factory in Lima, Ohio. I would sometimes wake up, hug my dad goodbye, and then go to the front passenger seat. I remember watching the sunrise many times from the front seat of the car with my mom driving. I remember that well because if she stopped suddenly, she would throw her arm in front of me like a second seat belt! Some days we would get McDonald's and some days we would go get doughnuts and head back to the house where my older brothers were either still sleeping or awake watching early morning cartoons. I would eat the long doughnut with cream in the middle and chocolate frosting on top. Those are my favorite. DD was out of them this morning. :(

Again, more good memories with my family, which is few and far between. More therapy as I licked the powdered sugar off of my fingers and looked down at the mess on my legs. More memories I shouldn't forget, but have to understand that things have changed, I have changed and I'm still changing. For the better. I can't control how my mother treats me now, but I can control how I eat. See how that works? I just have to remember that.


Anyways, for lunch I had broccoli and cheddar soup in a bread bowl from Panera because I couldn't really find anything on the menu that looked desirable after breakfast. I didn't eat the bowl and gave it to some chickens that I see in the afternoon at a customer's house. I take care of their ponies and if the rooster is out, I like to give him something to eat so he doesn't attack me. Mean effing rooster!

Then it was time to go grocery shopping for this week. I had my list!

I couldn't find melba toast but I did find the grissini bread sticks and not the ones with the olive oil, just in case! I got veal but no lobster or shrimp because it's just too expensive. I was at Giant Eagle, but there's a local grocery store I'll go to tomorrow afternoon to get better meat and grapefruits, because GE didn't have grapefruits for some reason. I also stocked up for one night only snacks for tonight. We're going to the drive-in to see Kung Fu Panda and Thor and I want to get some popcorn. Again, more memories will hit me again, I'm sure. The boy and I...well that's another story. Tonight will be a good date night and we'll have fun, I hope.

On my way home I thought about it and said, wth, I need one last burger from Wendy's since I am saying goodbye to all my fast food places. This is what I got...a double with cheese that should have come with a crane and a pickup truck to get my fat ass back home!

I can't even believe I ate it all. I didn't think I could but the soup didn't help fill me up earlier. And on top of feeling like crap after eating said giantastic burger, I cannot forget the site I saw in the Wendy's drive-thru.

2 older than me women in a minivan in front of my car. The image of the lady who stuck her hand out of her window to get the food will forever haunt me: She was so fat, her elbow and wrists had fat. That's all I needed to see!! I don't ever, ever, ever want to be that way. EVER! Did I say ever? 'Cause I meant for ever as in ever and ever!!!

So....here's to tomorrow. A new day and my first real day on the protocol. I need to re-read my diet sheet for lunch and dinner, but I think I'll be okay. I have my new food scale ready to go. I'm going to do this, the hard way, the right way, and the only way for me. I'm ready to be thin and healthy and work through my physical and mental problems to get happy again. I don't have any other choice because it's this or be unhappy. What choice do I have?

2 All Beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese..

Big Mac. Are you craving one now?

Still on day 1 of loading.

I ordered my lunch, having thought this out a head of time with the idea that I want to say goodbye to McD's forever today. After my lunch, I don't think I'll have a problem going back!

Oh, God, even looking up pictures of the Mac makes me wanna...uuuugh.

Yes, I got a famous McDonald's Big Mac, fries, and a mocha Frappe. $7.04 total.
I have to say, my mouth started watering when I pulled up to the drive through. I'm Pavlov's dog; my food is coming. Those golden arches makes me salivate and crave and want and need and must have NOW! Man, I really feel like a dope buying into the hype.

Anyways, I drove away but started popping in the crispy, oily, and salty french fries in my mouth by the handfuls. I was driving and eating without thinking much about it until I wiped my hands on my shorts and saw how disgusting I must look right then. Salt and oil all over me and yet, I've done this a hundred times before, what's the big deal now? It made me feel gross. Not only with myself but with the very idea that I have been mentally stimulated to eat this garbage my entire life and love it! "I'm lovin' it!" is not just a slogan but a marketing manipulation technique to make me want it, love it, buy it, and eat it.

NO MORE do I want McDonald's after today. I am not lovin't it.

I contemplated my next move and tried to get the fries down as quick as possible. Maybe the mocha Frappe will help wash it down? It was cold, sweet, chocolaty, and friggen expensive for a drink! What the hell? Makes me wonder how much $ it takes to make one and the profit they are making off of me.

Pulling into a deserted local park, I found a nice shade tree and rolled down my windows. I felt ashamed and wanted to be alone. Thank God, I was because I opened my Big Mac container and tried to wrap my hands around the sandwich. Did this thing get bigger from the last time I had one? I took a bite and recognized that familiar taste immediately. Along with the tanginess in my mouth came warm memories of being at McDonald's with my mom years ago when I was a kid. Memories of my ex-husband when we first got together at age 17. And recently going through the drive-thu alone to get my "fix" during my stressful time this year, thinking, wtf? a Big Mac will make me feel better! Did it really all come down to a burger? The changes I am about to make in my life and saying good-bye to what I once had long ago in happier times with people that used to make me happy. It all seems so full circle now. Woah. Psychology and stuff.


I continued to chew and found it hard to swallow. What am I doing? I can't eat this! I had a sudden visualization of a reversed devil-me and an angel-me sitting on my shoulder.

The devil-me says, while holding a Big Mac in her hands, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"
It's hands start shaking and Big Mac crumbs fall to my shoulder. It whimpers as it's eyes get bigger watching the angel-me.

The angel-me responds while holding a gun to the devil-me's head, "Damnit, do it! EAT IT! It's GOOD FOR YOU! YOU NEED IT!!"

This is how I felt. I had to almost choke down one of my, well used to be, favorite comfort foods that I would get on special occasions. I don't want one anymore after today. I'm still burping up the sauce and pickles, still tasting it in my breath. UCK! I'm done with that. *shudders*


Pizza tonight. I don't think I can do the heavy cream. I have ice cream to finish off. Maybe heavy cream tomorrow. I think it would curdle in my stomach today. I just feel gross and want it to change.

Now that's depressing.

Day 1 on the HCG protocol with my drops, weigh in, measurements taken, took first pictures, and started loading up.

Depressed! When you see the scale for the first time in years and it's quite a bit more that what it was the last time your weighed yourself, yeah...sad, pathetic, horrific, unexpected, and nauseating! To say the very least. I'm going to have to do 2 rounds to get down to my healthy weight. :( I didn't realize how much I let myself go in the last few months, years, etc. As much as it pains me to see my numbers, at least now I have a plan of action, a time frame, and ideas to get me where I need to go.

It's time to stop crying into food over my weight and finally take control. I can do it. I have goals, a plan, and willpower to get through this. By next year at this time, all of this will be a very painful yet distant memory. It has to be! I can't keep living like this, feeling like a completely different person on the inside than what I want to be on the outside. If I fall into that hole, that very deep, dark hole, I'm not sure I'll crawl out again. It's swallowed me a few times this year. I almost didn't make it, really. I've come close a few times wondering what was valuable in my life, wondering if I even have a future, let alone one with happiness in it. It's hard going through what I've been through and no one really understands the lack of support from my family, my friends, and the boy. I've been the loneliest I have ever been in my entire life and still feel all alone now, but I've got a goal. My chin is up, my tears are dry, and I. CAN. DO. THIS! I have to try my hardest and be my stubbornest!!

And it's time to take my drops.


Oh, my weight, yeah...not proud but my starting weight is 225.4# Measurements are as follows: Waist: 46in, Bust: 47in, Hips: 45in, Rt.Arm: 15.5in, Lft.Arm: 16in, both Legs: 27in
*sigh*