Yup, just as I thought...

I'm going to stay at 210 for 6 weeks until my next round. :( At least it's an even number, though. Well, that may change in 2 days when I am getting off the drops.

Today I am stopping my drops for 2 days then jumping on P3 on Saturday. I did drop 2lbs last night and today I woke up feeling heavy, like salt induced heavy, but the scale said I dropped the 3 lbs. Either it's true or the scale is totally fucking with me!

I know it doesn't seem like much but a 3 day kind of vacation turned into 4 days taking it off. I would like to keep going to get the last 10 lbs off but with my timing, I won't be able to do it. I am not going on a real vacation in September being fat AND not being able to eat, especially in the South where all the good food is!

This has been really hard and the last week screwed me up but I have to muster on through. I have lots of determination and have to remember that it's okay to fall back, just keep going. Don't give up, even if I want to, I can't.

Back up at down another ...day. :/

So the weekend was okay but I drank too much wine. I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to in phase 3 but I gained 3lbs. :( I was very disappointed as it will take me the rest of this week to MAYBE get rid of that 3 lbs I gained in 2 days! I wanted to be done and down to 200lbs this week but I might have to sit at 210 for 6 more weeks! I am just so pissed with myself and with this stupid program!
Or why am I freaking out about 3 lbs? Maybe if I would have suffered over the weekend and stuck to the plan I would have been DOWN 3 more lbs and closer to my goal? It just wasn't that great of a weekend and I feel like I missed out, I guess.

The friends that I thought were friends didn't feel like it and I didn't have fun like I was hoping and like I did last year. I felt fat, out of place, disgusting, and different. Friends aren't supposed to judge you, I know, but I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I also had mini freak outs being around people I didn't know as well as being in a crowded space. I kept getting cold sweats down my spine and a sense of panic when I didn't have room around me. I would walk out of the room and leave and I was okay. I was also okay with a few friends but as soon as more than 5 people showed up chatting, I had to leave. I didn't realize I was becoming agoraphobic but I guess that's what it is.

I have a lot more to deal with than just my weight.

Day 21 and ready to be done!

Yes, I am ready to be done with this round! I just want real food, not crap, but the low carb, high good fat and protein like salmon and eggs, and some freaking cheese!

I did drop 1 whole pound last night and I give credit to the glass of red wine I had. Okay, so it was 2ish glasses of wine. I didn't have my fruit and had some wine. It was great and I really enjoyed it, though I'm sure it dehydrated me a bit, which was probably good because I was retaining water. So it all balanced out, right?

Today I am taking no HCG and still doing low cal for 2 days to get ready for my planned interruption for this weekend. I have to remember to not go crazy because I would like to drop those last 10lbs before I get off this round next week. I doubt it will happen, but would be nice!

Some things I keep forgetting to mention that other HCGers or future HCG dieters should know that helps me:

I take a B12 vitamin every day with 1,000mcg. I was told B12 helps with the cellular restructuring within your body so I take it. I also mark it down in my food diary book when I take it.

I also take a probiotic every day to help with the food, umm, digestion and extraction. I started taking probiotics awhile ago and noticed how much different I felt and how things moved along better in my body. I recommend Culturelle brand probiotics because it has 10billion cells. You want the highest possible billions to keep your food moving. :) This, along with fiber, will keep you regular! It's very important to keep waste moving out with the weight loss.

This is the exact box I have and use.


So I'm 210lbs and still have 40lbs to go. UGH...that sucks. But down 1/4 of my weight. That's good! This is such a roller coaster ride but, so far, it's worth it.

Day 20 and annoyed

I've been stalled again for 3 days. It's like I have 1lb drop then stay put for 3 days then drop .4, .2. UGH. It's annoying, frustrating and I just want to eat regular food now. After the wedding on Saturday I was fine and woke up to the 1lb drop on Sunday. But the past 2 days I'm stuck at the same weight.

I'm taking a planned interuption this weekend, though. Jumping off the HCG on Wednesday but eating VLC then and Thursday then eating P3 foods over the weekend as I'll be in Columbus at a hotel with friends. I thought about it, and there is no way I am hauling baggies of precooked food to a hotel and not going out to eat with my friends or even having a drink or two! It's a mini vacation and hopefully I won't gain over the weekend, but I'm going to jump right back on P2 on Monday for the last week. I timed it out so I can have time to do another round of HCG before my trip in September. If I even need it because I might be able to keep losing in the next couple of months without HCG.

This has been the most brutal thing I have done and I am ready for it to be done. If I was losing 1lb a day every day, I would be happy. But I'm following protocol and not seeing the results I expected. However, I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth and am happy I lost 16.4lbs in 20 days, I really had hoped to be down 20lbs by this week. I don't see me losing 4 lbs in the next 4 days, either.

I'm just frustrated and discouraged and want a REAL salad with ranch dressing and sunflower seeds! I don't even want crap. I just want a good salad!! And also red peppers, green peppers, onions, and mushrooms in a full egg omelet!

Maybe I shouldn't weight myself every day and go by every other day next round? Grr.

What the hell day am I on?

I have it written down as the date but not the VLC days.

Day 10 VLCD and total 12 days with loading. I dropped 1.2lb over night last night and I think it might have to do with I had ground beef for the first time and a litte bit more grams than usual. 117 instead of 100. I might need more protein to lose weight so I'm testing this theory out today. I hate my normal lunch of cucumbers and just shrimp. When I got home I had 1 hard boiled egg (omg, I missed eggs SO much! I love them!) and I'll have my regular dinner of chicken and maybe some asparagus.
The 5 drops seem to be helping keep me less hungry but it's still there. Like a dull pain but tolerable.

I did noticed my stamina is not the same. I clean stalls at a barn through the week. I shovel 2-3 stalls, depending on the mess, then have to haul manure to a trailer to pick up and dump it in. It's only hard to lift the bucket and toss it in the trailer on a usual day but today is was really challenging for me. I have been doing this for years so this is not new to my muscles but today was just tough. Another reason why I think I need more protein and maybe some good fat to help move things along. I'm drinking a lot of green tea and water today but not the same amount of pit stops as usual in the last week and less urgency to go. I can see a difference in my body, like it's rearranging itself and I've got tiny bumps on my face which is really only noticeable upclose. People on the forums say it's the toxins coming out of my skin. I can understand that. I'll do a mud mask or a green tea mask later and see if that helps the little bumps go away.

No much else to report. Still figuring out my phone, but I did download an app where I can update this using it, so I'll try it tomorrow.

My ticker way down below is updated. 12.4# lost in 10 days. Not bad but why can't I do the 2#/day loss more often so I can speed this along? I do have to look at it that I'm losing 5x more in a week than normal, so I guess I can't be too impatient. Would be nice to be able to look better sooner. :/ Meh.

Yesterday and today

And the day before were very trying on my emotions. Let's just say I think crying makes me retain water because I'm at 216.2# for the past 2 days without cheating or anything. Or maybe I just hit my stall? It's supposed to happen when the abnormal fat cells are depleted and the body stores water in them before they are destroyed. Let's just hope that's it and I'm just retaining the water in the fat cells.

I've been keeping track of my food in a food diary but haven't eaten anything interesting or off protocol. I did have chicken and celery soup for lunch yesterday and I was feeling some hunger. I dropped my dosage down to 5 drops 6 times a day, and voila! No hunger. Or maybe my body is finally getting adjusted to the HCG? I do feel much better today, if not drained from lack of sleep from crazy emotional roller coaster ride that I don't even want to go into.

It also didn't help that I read Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen in one day and watched the movie today. I'm a sucker for a good animal story, but I hate the cruelty that humans are capable of doing. It's a great movie and even better book. I highly recommend it.

I got a new phone yesterday and so I have not taken any pictures with it. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll have it figured out and new pics uploaded here.

Have a good rest of the weekend!

Day 9 VLCD

Today has been better than yesterday. Hunger pains are about gone and I'm feeling almost 100%. I think that 7 drops a day dosage is working and if I don't improve in 2 days, I'm backing down the dosage.

Yesterday was an interesting experience. I wanted to get a blender to make smoothies, just to give me something else to curb the craving of ice cream and such. So I went to Walmart, got the blender then thought I'd look around for some extracts but ended up walking down every isle practically drooling at all the food I couldn't have. It was almost hysterical in an insane kind of way as I looked at cookies, nope, can't have those. Then chips, nope can't have those! To salad dressings and really, REALLY wanting ranch dressing! I had a mental image of myself sprawled on my back in the middle of isle 12 in Walmart, covered in opened boxes of crackers, cookies, and croutons, covered in ranch dressing and passed out!
Then I sighed, counted to ten, let my tummy rumble as I picked up some apples and cilantro and headed for the counter.
Now, I don't know about ya'll, but for some reason my Walmart has 20 billion lanes with only 2 regular ones open and 1 ten item or less and 1 20 item or less opened! Annoying, especially when I was about to have a carb attack!
As I waited and watched this uber thin woman in front of me, maybe about my age, with one kid on her hip and another in her shopping cart I started to sweat. I tried not to look at the candy and focused on how I wanted to be like this chick in front of me when I have kids one day. I grabbed a bottled water while waiting and really debated opening it up before I got to the register. My back was getting hot and sticky as I could smell the chocolate candy in front of me! My sense of smell has improved 10 fold. Like when I noticed it after quitting smoking, too, but this makes it worse because I can't HAVE anything! UGH.

Regardless of my mild attack, I made it out of Walmart only slightly dizzy and to my car where I downed the whole water bottle. I felt better.

I get home and opened my new blender, cleaned it out, tossed in some strawberries, powdered stevia, and a tiny bit of coconut extract and HEAVEN!

The ice was perfect smoothy/slushy mixture and it tasted like a strawberry pina colada! I really, really needed that!

Here's the awesome Ninja blender I got:

Pretty cheap and it has a blender part and a little mixing bowl part if you want to do some food processing. I'll probably make my salsa in it tomorrow but I just wanted it for the ice chopping!



Oh, yes, my weight for the day is 216.8 which is a -1.4lb drop overnight. :) I'm pretty happy about that. :D


Lunch yesterday was tilapia on a bed of spinach and dinner was cajun style shrimp with raw celery. I didn't know how much celery to have, so I just grabbed like 5 stalks. I was hungry by dinner!

Today's lunch was veal on the go and cucumbers with my apple for breakfast and my usual cup of coffee. I did stop at Mustard Seed Market which is this big, fancy, slightly pretentious organic food store and got some Vanilla Creme liquid stevia.

(which was $14 btw! WTH? Too expensive!) I'm going to try it in my coffee tomorrow as everyone says it's great in coffee. I think I might try it in a strawberry smoothie for my snack today.


Some random things I was thinking about this HCG diet as I was driving around today: I'm on a birth control called Reclipsen which allows me to skip my periods up to 3 in a row so I don't have to worry about that dreaded "time of the month" like most women. I'm happy about that!

I adjusted my drops up 1 extra drop per dose, but people say to decrease your drops if you're feeling ick. If I am after this weekend, I'm dropping them down to 5 drops 6 times a day.

I'm drinking only coffee, water, and my slushy today. No green tea. I want to see how it effects me with out the green tea. Tomorrow I'll drink it again, but someone said on the forums you want the majority of your liquids to be just plain water.

I noticed a difference in how I looked today when I was going to the bathroom in the store. I can see it gone in my belly, with my sides and top belly fat shrinking and my boobs. Would love to get the fat off my arms, soon. Legs, I can cover them as it's not terrible. I have muscular legs from all the walking and dancing I've done. I am looking forward to taking more dance lessons as soon as I can. Also, I need to read up how long I should be on P3 before I jump into round 2. Or do I have to do P3 and P4? (adding of more foods then adding of sugars and starches) I need to figure that out. I updated my ticker all the way at the bottom of this blog...10.6 pounds lost and 57 to go. I'm going to be happy when I at least get this 34lbs off. A few more weeks, maybe?

Day 8 VLCD6 and...

I feel MUCH better today! I think it had to do with I added another drop to my dosage and I was getting over my physical addiciton and crankiness. I think it's kicking in today!

Woke up to 218.4# which is a 1.2 # loss since yesterday! Hurray! Also today is measurement day (I'm doing it every week on Thursday since I started on Thursday) and it's as follows:
W: 44in B: 43in Hips: 45in No change in my arms and legs yet, though they feel a bit different. That's 2in off my waist, 4inch off my bust, and none from my hips yet. Can you tell I need to lose it more in my tummy and boobs? However, I feel good about this now. I was skeptical and yesterday was a trying day but it seemed to really pay off after only 1 week of hard work.

If it's hard then it's worth it! That phrase has gotten me through a lot of tough times in my past. I can do this because it's hard and rewarding in the end!



Last night I was so grumpy about food, while I sipped my chamomile tea and watched So You Think You Can Dance for 2 hours I kept track of every single food commercial. Neurotic, I know, but I was also curious as to the brainwashing, errr advertising we get constantly.

Wendy's x3
Can't Believe It's Not Butter
Kit Kat x2
Olive Garden x2
Subway
McDonald's x3
Magnum Ice Cream x2
Red Lobster
Reeses's PB cups minis
Taco Bell
Jello
Chili's
Panera Bread
And even 2 non food commercials LOADED with close ups of food to tempt me: LG Appliances and Charter One Bank


It's interesting, isn't it? In 2 hours I was bombarded with poor food choices on tv and if I wasn't conscious of my food decisions (okay, desperately craving bad foods!) then I wouldn't have noticed the advertising and brainwashing being done.
All of these foods are not good for you. Either high in fat, sugar, processed foods, man-made ingredients, and not healthy foods, at least, that's not what they are advertising directly!

I loved Subway's the best because they are making you believe you are making a healthy choice by adding avocado to their menu. *snorts* Sure, you can go in there and get a salad with all of their..."fresh" vegetables that come from a bag or jar, (I know this because I've had friends that work at Subway and won't eat there ever again!) and don't get me started on their processed meats! Twist the truth anyway you want, Subway, but I don't buy it and I won't again! Remember that whole Jared thing? Yeah, I loved that. Get one guy in a billion to say he lost weight losing their food and make him your spokes person and instant star overnight! Oh, he's a real person, he did it eating Subway, now you can, too! But the normal person goes in, buys a whole sub, cookies, chips, and a fountain drink and don't do the low fat choice. Why would they? That would be HARD to make that decision alone when you are bombarded by advertising to eat more than you need every day!
And it's not just Subway. Wendy's was advertising their Berry Almond Chicken Salad which has 450 calories, 16g of fat, 42 carbs, 30 sugars, but high in vitamin C, A and protein. Sure, it might be a healthier choice, but then you have to add the human factor into it. Maybe I'm paranoid, or getting more paranoid, but it's hard for me to trust fast food workers anymore. (A friend of mine found a piece of chewed gum in her salad from a well known fast food place. Will not say where!)

I honestly now prefer to make and prepare my own food. That way I know what I'm getting into my body and making a better choice for myself instead of someone making it for me.

Speaking of which, I had a great breakfast of sliced apples that tasted like apple pie!
I combined the juice of 1/2 lemon, a capful of ACV, a small dash of imitation vanilla, a dash of stevia, some cinnamon and nutmeg, and put it in the microwave for 20 seconds. Then I coated the apples in the mixture, then poured the rest on top of the plate and nuked it again for another 30 seconds. SO GOOD I can't even tell you! Just try it yourself.

I also needed to up my coffee since I like coffee with my creamer, not vice versa.
I added 1 TBS of cocoa powder, a dash of vanilla, 1 TBS of our allotted milk, and stevia and mixed it together with my coffee! MUCH better. Like a mocha which I really needed today. Going to make lunch in a bit and I'm not hungry! YES!

Today is a better day. :D

Day 7-Day 5 VLCD

Not AS hungry as I was yesterday so I have to say I'm feeling better. I feel more focused today, though still out of it but not as bad. It's like the fog is lifting and dissipating slowly, though I wish it would go already! Today was a day I wanted to toss in the towel as I'm having some depression and my depression only makes me want to eat crap. So I'm fighting back the tears and drinking my giant mug of green tea, trying not to hate myself and think of myself as an utter failure in life. Without going into detail, as who wants to hear me complain about how shitty my life is anyways? I will say that I need better days ahead of me. I have to focus on that.

This is my giant "Mug O Rita" which was 64oz of margarita I got last summer at a place called Adobe Gilla's in Columbus. I honestly thought I would have gotten drunk from this, even sharing it with a friend, alas, we did not. Just goes to show how restaurants jip you! But I was told to drink half your weight in oz and this is the only portable big mug I can take with me to hold my green tea. I figured if I can get one of these down and then some, I'm in good shape! I put it on the table next to my fruit of grapefruit, oranges, and apples and bananas, not on protocol, but the boy eats them, to give you an idea of the size of my "Mug O Rita". It worked out good today but it has to sit in the passenger seat of my car. I debated buckling it in but if I put the lid on tight and jam my purse up to it, it doesn't go anywhere.

Oh, weight today, right. Not as good so I think it has something to do with the fact I added in a tiny bit of spinach, or even the beef broth or even the onions I used yesterday but I weighed in at 219.6 which is only a .4lb loss. :( Not happy about that since I have been feeling crappy and then I started feeling good after dinner! I'm even wondering if I have the right HCG or if it's bad or even working? I should have gone with yourhcg.com because they provide amazing customer support. :( The place I got mine from looked like the same company, the bottles being made in Denver, CO (Wheatridge, actually, which is a suburb of Denver. I have friends out that way so I know the area!) so I thought they looked legit. However, they want me to use their protein powder to supplement meals...which I didn't SEE that until they sent paperwork in the package with my bottle. I think I might have been screwed. We'll see and if it's a big deal, I'll send this bottle back and buy from yourhcg.com and keep going, I guess.
I'll wait until I can't stand it then figure it out. I'm saving a lot of money on my groceries and not eating out once a week or drinking, so I think I can afford a new bottle. However, I'm still broke as crap anyways. (hence, part of the depression)

Lunch was shrimp with cajun seasonings and some ACV along with half a cucumber with salt, pepper, and ACV. That Apple Cider Vinegar sure does help keep the meat tender. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself? Who knows, but I do know we need ACV to help clear out the toxins in our bodies, keep us less hungry, and a whole slew of other reasons. All in my nice, pretty, pink box. :)

I think I'm going to bake my apple with cinnemon and have it as desert for a snack here in a bit. I know I saw a recipe for that somewhere. I also joined up on the HCG Diet Forums because I have been lurking around there for awhile. Thought it was time to join in on the fun.

ANNNND just lost power, briefly, for no reason, WHATSOEVER as it's bright and sunny outside!!! Thank you, blogger.com for the autosave as I only lost a little bit but I had a bunch of stuff running on my pc! It also takes my pc 10 minutes to freaking load because I need to clean it up...so annoying! THIS is the shit that happens to me everyday! Something that just screws with me enough for me to lose a bit of my sanity and want me to shove a needle in my eye!!


I just ate my freaking strawberries for a snack because I'm hungry, pissed off, upset, and I want real food right now!! UGGGGHHH!


I know, I know, I can't be like this all the time; angry, hateful, pissed off at the world because it's out to get me. Even if it isn't, it sure feels like it. There was a time I was happy, wasn't there? No, I think I was just delusional for maybe a year or two in thinking I was happy but I always knew deep down I wasn't. That's why I changed my life so dramatically. But I only lived with the unhappiness for about 2 years, a bit less maybe. I'm on year 4+ of complete unhappiness and it just feels like I am stuck.

I just feel like if I can get my weight back under control along with my financials then I can claw my way out again. I keep clawing and I keep getting handfuls of dirt. What's that tell me? I'm going insane. And all I want is a fucking piece of pizza.

Day 6 But Day 4 of VLCD

I've felt better. And worse. Mostly today I've felt out of it but no headaches, no dizziness and only hungry this morning. I decided to cut the bread sticks today. If they were causing my serious hunger then I don't want them. Will only be able to tell how I feel tomorrow. I've also increased my drops to 7 drops/6 times a day instead of 6 drops. And I'm trying to hold them under my tongue for a few minutes and not eating or drinking anything for at least 15 minutes. It's all trial and error to find out what works best for my body.

Today woke up to 220.0# which was a -1.6lb loss since yesterday. I was hoping for another 2lb+ loss but I'm still getting used to this. 1lb+ a day is good, from what I've read.

Breakfast was half a grapefruit and I made my lunch of chicken and my version of salsa again. Since I'm on the go around lunch time during the week, this worked out pretty good today.

Felt satisfied after lunch but still weak and out of it until around dinner time.
For dinner I wanted soup so I cooked some onions, 3 large stalks of celery in a pan with some ACV, spices, and some beef broth until it was tender. Then I added 2 cups of beef broth and my veal chunks to make like a beef stew. I also tossed in a tiny bit of spinach just to add something else to the soup. It was tasty and I'm still full for the last 2 hours. That's finally a good sign!

I'll have an orange here in a bit for a snack and we'll see what tomorrow brings.
So far, I think this might work but I need to feel a little bit more normal to make me feel better about doing this protocol.
I really want Hostess cupcakes, and a glass of wine, and mashed potatoes, and pizza. I never want pizza, but today it sounds so freaking good! Everywhere I go, I see food I can't have. On tv, driving by restaurants, opening my fridge, in my mind, in my dreams (I had dreams about eating bacon and spitting it out just so I could have the taste in my mouth!)

I can almost taste the cupcake...uhhhhhghhhhghgh!!



But....
I have to beat this addiction and learn how to handle food not as an escape, but for nutrition, for my body, and to live better.

Day 2 eating VLC

..Very Low Cal. I'm learning the lingo and abbreviations used in some of the HCG forums!

So yeah. Last night after I wrote my update I started getting a massive headache. Right behind the eyes and I thought, great, here we go! I'm guessing it's the stress on my body with the drops and the food because I woke up to...223.6#! Holy crap in a basket! That's like 4 lbs in a day!

Meh, I'm not THAT excited yet. I'll be really excited to see my measurements next Thursday. I decided to do measurements once a week to see some results but happy to see the scale drop for once. We'll see.


I had the breadstick for the snack and drank some chamomile tea with Stevia to try to get rid of my headache. I decided to take a hot bath with sea salt to help pull out some toxins and that seemed to help slightly. I just felt off and fog headed. Still kinda foggy headed, though. I guess I didn't load well. :/ Next round on my load day I am chugging that freaking heavy cream!

I went to bed and was woken up after 2 hrs sleep by the boy...a fight ensued, it was ugly, and I went back to bed with my head still pounding. I got enough sleep to wake up to the 4 lb loss and so far today no headache, but it feels like it might come on or it's about to.

I had my breakfast of an orange and coffee again and lunch was a shrimp salad with romaine lettuce and a dressing of white vinegar, lemon juice, S&P, and garlic powder. With the damn breadstick on the side.

It was okay but not as filling as yesterday's meals. It wasn't as tasty either. I got the shrimp for this week but I don't think I want to do a salad again soon. I need more substance, I think.

Also, something to note, I have had to pee about every 30 min or so today. Drinking lots of green tea and I feel like a race horse! Good thing I got tp at the store this week, but trying to conserve as I'm using more than usual.

Then I've been doing my usual research on some HCG forums and discovered what people call "Cocoa Crack" which is cocoa powder and coconut oil and other ingredients. It's not P2 protocol with the oil, but one girl swears it helps get her out of her stalls. I'll get some if needed but what I did see were cocoa powder ideas and suddenly I wanted chocolate!

I jotted one recipe down and ran to my cupboard. Good thing I have cocoa powder! I tried to make it with Stevia and just not to my tastes so I used Splenda instead. Even though Splenda's not good for you, in small moderate doses like today, it's going to be fine.

So here's what I made:
3 TBS of cocoa powder
1 TBS (ish. I went by taste) of vanilla extract
1 packet of Splenda
3.5 TBS of water
a pinch of kosher salt
Mixed all in a glass bowl

Put this in the microwave on high for about 20-25 secs until it started bubbling. Then pulled it out and stirred until smooth.

HOLY YUM, Batman! I was like, I can have this? For Reals???
So for my fruit snack, I dipped my strawberries...nay, let them BATHE in the chocolate sauce and devoured each piece of fruit with ravenous delight! Yes, finally, I can get down with this! Though, I will not use it every day, it really made me feel much better today. I hope I still get the dramatic loss tomorrow. *crosses fingers* I can still taste the chocolate on my lips. Mmmm I will be keeping this recipe close!

Tonight will be chicken and asparagus which is already marinating in ACV (apple cider vinegar) with cumin and the usual S&P. I miss my EVOO and butter to cook stuff in. I'm looking forward to P3 so I can basically do the Atkins thing again. I am also craving mashed cauliflower which is like mashed potatoes but just as good.

I also realized today that I'm a bit hungry, but it's been more mental hunger than anything. I've caught myself in my head a few times going, Oh, I want Taco Bell. And I could just go into the fridge and eat some eggs and cheese, no big deal.
But it is a big deal! These thoughts feel just like the same thoughts I had when I kicked the smoking habit! The exact same! I would be in a situation like getting into my car and think, Oh, I need to light one up while a drive. It's the same nagging and pulling in my head like smoking. It's the food addiction, I know it. I talked to the boy about this and he said I would always complain I was "hungry" as soon as I got into the car. It makes a lot of sense. So I figured if I can kick the smoking habit, I can kick the food habit. It takes one solid week to get over the cravings then one more week to push the thoughts out of my head completely. I can do that, again. I know what to expect this time.

Maybe this is why people complain about being hungry all the time? Is it physical or is it mental? A lot of people complain in the first week. I would have to say, from my experience, this has got to be mental as you are kicking the food habit.


Have to run off to the bathroom again. Wow, I can't even type a little without getting up to go pee! I wonder what this week will be like?

Day 1; The real deal

Woke up, checked the scale, and woah. 227.4# That's a big increase overnight. I'm really praying and hoping this works!

This is all about portions and what you can eat. So I had my breakfast of an orange and a cup of coffee with Stevia. (yeah, need to get used to that!) and went about portioning out my meat for the next few days. I started with the veal because I decided I'll have my veal for lunch.

I was reading through the HCG Dieter's Cookbook by Tammy Skye and she gave me loads of ideas on how I can season and prepare my meals in phase 2. I'm no stranger to spices an whatnot so I went ahead and created marinades for my veals. Today was Mexican flavor and I added some sea salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper, cumin, paprika, chopped fresh cilantro, and white vinegar to the veal in the baggie. Shook it up and put it away for a bit in the fridge. I also made one with curry powder and the usual spices and one with cajun seasoning (no sugar in that, yay!) I added vinegar in all of them to help keep them preserved and makes the spices stick.

I then got to work on my vegetable, (though it's technically a fruit, back in the '50's I think it was considered a vegetable). Anyways, I made an adaptation to my usual homemade thick, and chunky salsa using one tomato, a tiny bit of yellow onion chopped small, some cilantro chopped, salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder, little bit of red pepper, vinegar, the juice from 1/2 a lemon, and a tiny bit of Stevia to make it sweet.

The finished product? My lunch with the breadstick, was not bad. Not bad at all! Very full of flavor. I was actually starting to shake a little bit when the veal was cooking anticipating my food. I'm pretty sure I'm hypoglycemic but not severely and I think it could be the physical workings going on in my body but I'll adjust. The shaking went away after I was near the end of my lunch, which was very filling, surprisingly.

I might have made too much salsa, but it was one tomato. Adjusting to smaller protein portions is bizare, but I think it's going to be okay.

I drank a ton of green tea and have been running to the bathroom every few hours to pee. This is a good thing and I know I'm flushing out the fat and bad stuff in my system.

I started portioning out my dinner of chicken and made it cajun style the same way as with the veal. I also got some fresh tilapia and shrimp at the store so I bagged and tagged those and put them in my meat drawer in the fridge.

These are my new best friends! They hold the 100g of meat in them perfectly!



So dinner was cajun style chicken, 5 strawberries, and half a cucumber, cut up with vinegar and salt. I made 2 portions of the cucumbers and put them in small containers earlier. I like cucumbers soaked in vinegar. They remind me of summer and something I learned from my ex-MIL. Pretty much one of the only good memories I have from her. I was beginning to get a headache while I was making my chicken and had to wonder, is it the food withdrawal of all the crap I have been eating or the actual drops kicking in?

Again, dinner was great tasting and I drank a whole glass of green tea with my meal and I am full. Like, Thanksgiving dinner full! Amazing. I felt like I couldn't eat the last few strawberries, cucumbers, and last 3 bites of my chicken. I couldn't believe it. My tummy was full and saying, no more! It's been about 40 minuets since dinner and I'm still good.

I'm saving my breadstick for a snack later if I want it. I've heard people cutting the breadsticks out completely and still doing fine, but I bought 2 boxes of the things so I am eating them!

Day 1 on the lower cal diet almost over. I wonder if it will work at weigh in tomorrow? I'm a sceptic, but this protocol is perfect for me as it's all spread out in black and white with what you can and can't do. It's easy directions. I'm all for following a routine and black and white. I am very much a yin-yang. And I think if I drop down to a healthy weight, I want another tattoo of a yin-yang. That will be one of my celebratory goals! :)

2 All Beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese..

Big Mac. Are you craving one now?

Still on day 1 of loading.

I ordered my lunch, having thought this out a head of time with the idea that I want to say goodbye to McD's forever today. After my lunch, I don't think I'll have a problem going back!

Oh, God, even looking up pictures of the Mac makes me wanna...uuuugh.

Yes, I got a famous McDonald's Big Mac, fries, and a mocha Frappe. $7.04 total.
I have to say, my mouth started watering when I pulled up to the drive through. I'm Pavlov's dog; my food is coming. Those golden arches makes me salivate and crave and want and need and must have NOW! Man, I really feel like a dope buying into the hype.

Anyways, I drove away but started popping in the crispy, oily, and salty french fries in my mouth by the handfuls. I was driving and eating without thinking much about it until I wiped my hands on my shorts and saw how disgusting I must look right then. Salt and oil all over me and yet, I've done this a hundred times before, what's the big deal now? It made me feel gross. Not only with myself but with the very idea that I have been mentally stimulated to eat this garbage my entire life and love it! "I'm lovin' it!" is not just a slogan but a marketing manipulation technique to make me want it, love it, buy it, and eat it.

NO MORE do I want McDonald's after today. I am not lovin't it.

I contemplated my next move and tried to get the fries down as quick as possible. Maybe the mocha Frappe will help wash it down? It was cold, sweet, chocolaty, and friggen expensive for a drink! What the hell? Makes me wonder how much $ it takes to make one and the profit they are making off of me.

Pulling into a deserted local park, I found a nice shade tree and rolled down my windows. I felt ashamed and wanted to be alone. Thank God, I was because I opened my Big Mac container and tried to wrap my hands around the sandwich. Did this thing get bigger from the last time I had one? I took a bite and recognized that familiar taste immediately. Along with the tanginess in my mouth came warm memories of being at McDonald's with my mom years ago when I was a kid. Memories of my ex-husband when we first got together at age 17. And recently going through the drive-thu alone to get my "fix" during my stressful time this year, thinking, wtf? a Big Mac will make me feel better! Did it really all come down to a burger? The changes I am about to make in my life and saying good-bye to what I once had long ago in happier times with people that used to make me happy. It all seems so full circle now. Woah. Psychology and stuff.


I continued to chew and found it hard to swallow. What am I doing? I can't eat this! I had a sudden visualization of a reversed devil-me and an angel-me sitting on my shoulder.

The devil-me says, while holding a Big Mac in her hands, "I CAN'T DO THIS!"
It's hands start shaking and Big Mac crumbs fall to my shoulder. It whimpers as it's eyes get bigger watching the angel-me.

The angel-me responds while holding a gun to the devil-me's head, "Damnit, do it! EAT IT! It's GOOD FOR YOU! YOU NEED IT!!"

This is how I felt. I had to almost choke down one of my, well used to be, favorite comfort foods that I would get on special occasions. I don't want one anymore after today. I'm still burping up the sauce and pickles, still tasting it in my breath. UCK! I'm done with that. *shudders*


Pizza tonight. I don't think I can do the heavy cream. I have ice cream to finish off. Maybe heavy cream tomorrow. I think it would curdle in my stomach today. I just feel gross and want it to change.

It made it!

My package arrived in the mail, finally! Hurray!

So the cat's outta the bag. I'm doing the HCG diet protocol as discovered by Albert T. W. Simeons while he was working with prego women and some fat boys with pituitary problems in India.*

It's controversial, it's horrible, it's like religion, however, I'm looking at it the smart way. If I commit one month to eating better, getting fit, really, REALLY trying to get healthy, and I happen to lose weight in the process with this little bottle's help? I have to try it. I have to. That's why I'm keeping it to myself and this blog for now. Because I can't be fat anymore. It's ruining me. I feel like a beautiful thin person in here but what I show on the outside is just some tall, fat chick who happens to have a pretty face. "Potential". I don't want to BE potential anymore. I want to be how I feel inside. I know it's hard work, I know I can do it. I just need some help. And if this helps me, then screw all!

I want a slow motion entrance. In a beautiful red dress, nice high heels, perfect hair and make up. I want all the boys to stop and stare as I walk into a room.
Then I don't want anymore attention, but maybe it will never stop? I've complicated that way when I want it, I want it now and hard and fast and then...okay, go away. lol

I also would like to be able to wear a bikini in public for once in my life. And maybe actually continue with the Burlesque dancing I got into last year but this time with more self confidence and a better body for it!


Anyways, I've been researching. I know what I have to do and starting tomorrow, June 8th, 2011, it's a day closer to my slow motion entrance and bikini body. Tomorrow I will weigh and measure myself.

It all begins tomorrow. For the rest of my life.

Here's to getting healthy and trying to be happy!










ref: *HCG wiki*